"Unpunishable" Women: Tracee Ellis Ross on self love, self trust and how your centre must not fold
PT.2 - TRACEE.
Admittedly, I will describe the archetypal black woman that shows up on my Pinterest boards as the “single rich Auntie”; think Solange Knowles, Tracee Ellis Ross and now Jill Scott.
This is what came to mind before listening to both their interviews: first Jill’s interview with Angie Martinez on her IRL podcast, then Traciee’s interview on Emma Grede’s podcast (as written below).
These are my reflections.
Diana, the good steward
Something that strikes me immediately about Tracee Ellis Ross is how warmly and gracefully she receives compliments. There’s this sense of self-assurance radiating from her, this way of being that feels like she’s always been exactly who she is, no apologies, no performance. I have spoken on social media about how there are recurring themes in our lives that show up in the dreams and desires we have for our lives; watching this interview drove home this point. Of course, for some people this recurring theme of self-assurance was cultivated from childhood and for Tracee, she seems to agree.
“People say you grow up in your mom’s shadow, I feel that I grew up in her embrace.”Because yes, her mother is Diana Ross, legendary music icon and ultimate superstar it-girl. Safe to say, Tracee had an unconventional childhood compared to most people. To watch your mom break barriers and exercise agency while being celebrated for her glamorous beauty, to witness that kind of power up close, that’s a particular kind of inheritance. Not just access or privilege, but a lived example of what’s possible when a Black woman refuses to shrink.
Tracee talks about seeing strong and beautiful women in media growing up (she mentions Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball, the Charlie’s Angels) and upon reflection as an adult, she realised that she became these women(also, doesn’t she look like she could absolutely be an ass-kicking spy with healthy, luscious hair?). The media we consume tells the stories of who we are, who we might become. It shapes the architecture of our dreams before we even know we’re dreaming them.
Know thyself
“When will you understand that anything you need in life, you must build for yourself?” - Eileen to Hedda, Hedda (2025)
To know others, you must know yourself and boy does Tracee know herself! In fact, this entire interview was a masterclass in self-knowledge, self-love, self-acceptance and how to translate this to a fulfilling career. She talks about the importance of building a life around being yourself and how that’s actually more beneficial than focusing solely on what you want. Because what you want can shift, can be influenced by outside noise. But who you are? That’s the compass.
A book that’s had a profound effect on Tracee’s journey is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön, which taught her self-acceptance, mindfulness, and how the way through difficult situations can sometimes be presence and radical acceptance. This part of the interview brought to mind Jill Scott’s interview, where Jill mentions a similar insight through watching her grandmother’s grief journey. Both women arriving at the same wisdom: that feelings are meant to move through you, not calcify inside you.
For all the recent arguments against nepo babies within the arts - and listen, there are valid critiques considering both the devaluing of arts education in the United States and rising living costs - Tracee insists that her victories both emotional and material, did not always come easy and makes a compelling statement about her journey of self-acceptance: “It’s not because of the abundance that I come from that I’ve had the space to do that, I have carved it out. The visioning time, the dreaming time, meditation where I’m looking at things.”
She talks about the importance of not bypassing negative feelings instead working through them. She makes space for them and still sticks to the goals she’s planned out. Her inner strength seems to come from calling to her higher self, letting that part of herself show up on set as an actor and in public appearances as a celebrity.
Something really profound (which I was initially skeptical about but ended up completely fascinating me) was her saying that she uses “May I” instead of “I am” affirmations. It honours whatever state she’s currently in while also honouring where she wants to go. For instance: “May I lean into the part of me that is deeply grateful for this event that I’m going to, for this opportunity, for what it is celebrating, and may I let the soft parts of me stay as soft as they are, as I walk into this from a place of gratitude.”
It’s gentle. It’s not forcing herself into a performance of confidence she doesn’t feel. It’s inviting the version of herself she wants to embody, rather than demanding it show up.
The pattern of dreams (always refine, but never fold)
“Dream big - but know that you’re the one who’s going to do the work.”
One may be fooled into thinking that Tracee’s embodiment of mindfulness, reflection and affirmation combined with her star power must translate into a limitless reservoir of confidence when it comes to trying new things particularly with her now successful hair and beauty brand, PATTERN beauty, but she insists that she couldn’t predict how wildly successful the brand would turn out to be. However one can see how her knowledge of self, her specificity regarding her audience and refusing to internalise rejection (her first business plan was created eleven years before launch after countless “nos”) - all of which are traits she has honed in her personal life - weaved a thread that led her to entrepreneurial success.
She also reflected (there’s that word again) on her rejections, to determine whether it was a case of speaking to the wrong person, feedback that could be used to refine her messaging for the next person or improving the brand’s offerings. Her focus on clarity rather than trying to control the outcome were instrumental to her success.
And here’s the thing that keeps showing up in both Jill’s interview and Tracee’s: these are women who have built entire careers, entire lives, on refusing to fold. On refusing to make themselves smaller, quieter, more palatable. On insisting that their “centre”(that sense of self, that knowing) remains intact even when the world is trying to reshape them into something more digestible.
On rising in love
Tracee’s singleness has been a subject of discussion in some interviews (who can forget that cringy moment with Kevin Hart) but while she doesn’t completely shy away from this line of questioning its quite clear that her personal growth journey has also included contentment and self-love outside of romantic partnership. She says that this inspired her to create and star in a solo travel show on streaming platform Roku. To not just imagine freedom, joy and self discovery as a woman but to embody it physically through travel.
Discernment through reflection(!) and self-knowledge seems to be a daily practice in Tracee’s life. In this interview, she calls women to apply this same rigour to dating by writing a “facts” and “fantasy” list on a sheet of paper: on one side, you write the observable facts about the person; on the other side, you write your ideal “fantasy” of a partner to give you clarity about the relationship. She also mentions the importance of observing your feelings after dates by asking yourself: “Do I feel safe? Do I feel seen? Do I feel sexy?”
As someone with a psychology degree and currently working on a journal that facilitates mindfulness for career alignment and life-change, I was thrilled to hear this because what she’s describing seems to be a brilliant use-case of the “WHAT” skill in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy; observing without judgment, describing the facts, participating fully in the present moment.
I deeply relate to Tracee’s frustrations with modern dating and find that so much of her advice would be perfect not just for women but for anyone of any gender or sexuality. Her perspective is refreshing and is one that calls us to take ownership of our lives to facilitate outcomes that are aligned to our authentic selves.
A happy conclusion
When asked by Emma what message she would like people to remember if her life was a movie, Tracee says: “May you be comfortable in your skin, find what makes your heart sing, discover your purpose and be of service.”
And I think that’s it, isn’t it? The through-line connecting both these conversations with Jill and Tracee. Both women navigating the world as successful, accomplished, Black women in industries that have historically punished people like them for taking up too much space. Both women who’ve been labeled, scrutinised, pathologised for not conforming to the script of what a woman’s life should look like by a certain age.
But they’re unpunishable. Not because they’re perfect or because they’ve transcended hurt or because they don’t still navigate systems designed to diminish them. But because they’ve done the work of knowing themselves so deeply that external validation or the lack of it, can’t destabilise them.
Tracee reminds us that the work is internal before it is external. That you have to vision, dream, meditate, reflect. That you have to carve out the space for becoming, even when the world isn’t naturally making room for you. That comfort in your own skin isn’t something that happens to you; it’s something you cultivate, fiercely and intentionally, every single day.
May we all be so unpunishable. May we all refuse to fold.
This is part of a two-part series on “unpunishable women”, i.e. women leading “agentic” (self-directed), empowered and resourced lives. It was inspired by interviews recently given by Jill Scott and Tracee Ellis Ross.
READ PART 1 HERE:
navigating systems designed to erode them. and permission to stay whole. a constant refusal to fold.
Omg I loveddd this!
I’m here from tiktok. You write soo well.
I loved the part about she saying “May I” instead of I Am. It’s like a soft callout to your higher self,to permit you to thrive in that(whatever it is you’re asking for).